What In The Name Of Baby G's PANTS?
by Olivia.root8
Summary: Gee has finally bought her Dave the Tart, but when he tells her some unexpected news, will she be back on the rack of love and pain?
1. Dave the Laugh Stamp?

**August 1 1:21am  
**I am so vair vair tired. Being a Sexkitty is harder than it looks. I don't think I'll ever fall asleep.

**One minute later  
**How did I end up snogging Dave the Laugh again? Well, maybe it was the call of the cosmic horn, or maybe it was because I didn't want him to attack Masimo. But, anyway.

_Flashback_

Me and Ms. Prissy Knickers (Jas) were walking to the Buddha Lounge for a Stiff Dylans gig. We planned on meeting up with Tom and the gang later, and I would see Masimo seeing as he was playing tonight. Anyway, we were walking when Dave the L showed up, and walked with us.  
"Hello Ladeeeeez, the Vati is here!" He said, whilst jumping out of a bush.  
"Gadzooks Dave! You almost made me poo myself!" I said.  
Eventually we all calmed down enough to biff Dave, and soon we were at the club. Dave and I were dancing like loons in loonville on loon tablets. It was vair vair fun if you ask me. When all of a sudden Masimo came up to Dave. He looked at bit miz.  
"Ciao, Georgia, Dave. Are you how they say, having fun dancing with my girlfriend." Oh boy, it looks like fisticuffs at dawn!  
"Oy! Mate, don't hit me with your handbag!" Dave said in mock terror. Oh buggering buggeration. But I don't think Masimo really got it, and then, Dave and Masimo started going at it, so, I jumped in the middle of it, and well, I didn't really have time to think about what to do so, I gave Dave a snog. A proper snog. On the lips, in front of my boyfriend, that is when Masimo stropped off, like a stropping thing on strop tablets. I hope he's not got the mega hump with me. Oh merde, and poo.

**Present  
**So, that is why I am awake, thinking about Masimo, and Dave. I don't think I will ever fall asleep, I am just wa- ZZZZzzz.

**August 1 10:39 am  
**Up at the crack of dawn. Great, I can hear the Swiss Family Mad going on about something, and oh _merde, _I think I hear Uncle Eddie.  
"WAKE UP GINGER. BAD BOY! GET UP!" Libby yelled at me.  
"Ouch Libby! I need my sleep, please take pantalizer doll to your room.  
**10 minutes later  
**Finally got Libby out, Now I am going downstairs to see if I can make the elderly loons quiet down.  
"Hello my vair lovely family, I am here, to ask you to please, SHUT UP!"  
**Back in my bed of pain  
**Ohhhhmmmmm must relax. I don't need any lurking lurkers. They love stress. Ohhhhhmmm. I think I might do a face pack.

**5 minutes later  
**Back in bed with a face pack on. There we go, nice and relaxing. But I am still full of confusinosity with Dave. Why hasn't he phoned? Don't you think after an accidental number 4 snog he would call? I mean, I would.  
**1 minute later  
**Maybe I will call him.  
**2 minutes later  
**Ringing Dave…. Why isn't he picking up.  
**½ a second later  
**"Hello you've reached PANTS headquarters. Leave a message after the beep. BEEEEEP."  
"Hi, Dave, It's Gee, I think we need to talk."  
"Oh, hello Kittykat."  
"Dave?"  
"Yes."  
"Oh, Hello."  
"What is it we need to talk about?"  
"Meet me at the park at 1."  
"Okay, S'laters Kittykat." And he hung up.  
**5 minutes later. Back in my room  
** I have 2 and a half hour to become a Sexkitty. And that is harder than It looks my beautiful friends. Much harder than it looks.  
**1 minute later  
**Looking through my closet. I think I will wear a black off the shoulder top, with denim skirt. Trainers? Heels?  
**1 minute later  
**Decided on red kitten heels, and to be following my red theme, I will be wearing red lippy.  
**2 minutes later  
**Makeup time. Should I go natural? Or should I make myself look like a top Sex Kitty  
**1 minute later  
**I will be going natural. I don't need Dave to think I really fancy him. Because I don't.  
**30 seconds later**  
Do I?  
**1 minute later  
**Of course not. So I have decided on just foundation, lippy, 5 coats of mascara, and a bit of eyeliner.  
**12:30 pm  
**Walking to the park. Skippy skip, run. Having fun all aloney on my owney, while I walk to the park to see Dave.  
**1:00 pm  
**At the park. Waiting for Dave. Where is he?  
**1:02 pm  
**Hahahhaahah. Oh my giddy gods pyjamas. He's running like a loon! His legs look like they're having a spaz attack!  
"Gee!" Dave yelled from across the park  
"Hi Dave."  
"Phwoar, Kittykat, you have really outdone your self this arvie."  
"No, I didn't."  
**2 seconds later  
** I hadn't, had I? Oh bugger.  
**1 second later  
** "So, Kittykat, what is it we need to talk about?"  
"Dave, what happened last night, you know, with the accidental snog…."  
"Accidental? Kittykat, you snogged me proper, in front of the Italian Stallion, that does not seem accident to Jack The Biscuit."  
"But, it was."  
"Whatever you say Gee."  
"Am I forgiven?"  
"For what?" "Aren't you mad at me?"  
"No."  
"Yes you are, you suddenly seem to be a bit like you've got the hump with me"  
"But I haven't."  
"Dave…."  
"Okay, so I have. Just a bit. But I will forgive you if you say ' Dave, I love you, you're Jack the Biscuit!"  
"I will not say it."  
"Okay then Kittykat. I guess the hump will be staying."  
"Dave I love you, you're Jack the Biscuit." I said dully.  
"Say It like you mean it, you cheeky minx, you."  
"DAVE, I LOVE YOU, YOU'RE JACK THE BISCUIT!" I screamed.  
"PANTS, Sexkitty, I think you burst an eardrum."  
"Sorry."  
"Well I must be off now. Tatty bye!" He said, and was off.

**Back home  
**Ringing Jas….

**1 minute later  
**No answer. Stupid vole woman. I bet she's off on a ramble with vole man.  
**1 minute later  
**Phoning Rosie.  
"Hello Viking Central, Rosie the Viking bride speaking."  
"Err, is that err, Gee or something?" I heard Ellen dither.  
"YEAH ELLEN, IT"S GEE! WANT ME TO PUT HER ON LOUD SPEAKER?" The crazy Viking yelled through the phone.  
"Rosie… It's Gee. I was just wondering, well, We need an Emergency Ace Gang meeting. Can I meet at yours?"  
"Sure Gee! Be here in 10." And she hung up. Bugger.  
**1 minute later  
** Walking to Rosie's house. She is quite demanding.

**At Ro-Ro's  
** "So Gee, what's this Emergency Meeting for?" Rosie said.  
"Last night, we all know that I accidentally on-purpose, snogged Dave in front of Masimo, and I don't know what to do. Do I like Dave as more than a matey-type mate person, or is he just a snog mate? I know I like Masimo, but err... I think I might, sort of, kind of, eerrr..." Oh Gadzooks, I was turning into Ellen.  
"C'MON GEE! Stop dithering"  
"Well, I guess I don't know. Dave is no more than my mate. We're top mates, actually."  
"Oh JA oh JA! Let's dance pretty fishies!" That was Sven, if you didn't know that, well, you are quite dim. Aren't you?

**Back in my Bed of Pain, while on the Rack of Love  
**I must grab my red bottom by the horn of the wotsit. I am with Masimo. He is gorgey porgey and a great snogger. But Dave does that nib libbling thing. Hmm.

**1 minute later  
**I will make a list.  
Pro Masimo: He is gorgey porgey, he speaks the language of lurrrveeee, he likes me, maybe even loves me.  
Con Masimo: He speaks the language of lurrveeee, which makes him pretty hard to understand, his sense of humour is hard to find underneath the language. He flies back in forth from Here to Italy.  
Pro Dave: He is nice, he is my mate, he is funny, he is quite groovy gravy looking,  
Con Dave: Well, there's the fact that errr… he... well.

**2 minutes later  
**I cannot think of anything wrong with Dave.

**1 minute later  
**Surely there must be something.

**½ second later  
**Nothing, _ nein.  
_**4 minutes later  
**"GINGEY! READ ME CINDYFELLOW! NOW!" 

**1 minute later  
**All nice and snuggly- buggly with Libs, and pantalizer barbie, Mr. Potato head, Angus, Gordy, and I think some rotten celery. Joy unbounded.  
"Libby, why have you got rotten celery in bed with us?"  
"IT'S NOT CELERY! It's Mr. Potato heads wife!" _merde._

**1 hour later  
**Finally finished reading to Libby and her "fwends". Now Libby is off to terrorize another part of the house. But ho hum pigs bum.

**2 minutes later  
**I am vair vair hungry from all the work I've done today, I think I'll go downstairs and see if we have any thing to fight off scurvy.

**2 minutes later  
**Nothing, Typico, Mutti hasn't gone shopping in years.  
** 1 minute later  
**Oh lovely, my dear old grandvati has given me a fiver. Happy days! Maybe I'll just go steal some of Vati's money. I am sure he has some left in his leatherette pants.  
**5 minutes later  
**Found 4 tenners in Vati's trousers! Off to Boots!  
**2 minutes later  
**Walking to Boots. Gadzooks it is hot out. I am sweating like a loon.  
**1 minute later  
**Still walking. Since when did it take soooo vair long to get to Boots.  
**2 minutes later  
**Finally at Boots. Why is Dave here? He's not on the turn is he? Oh gadzooks. Dave is here with Emma!  
"Hi Dave. What're you doing at Boots? Not on the turn are you?" Hahaha I crack myself up.  
"What is the name of PANTS Gee. I am here with my girlfriend Emma."  
"Girlfriend, Dave, hmm. Were you two going out last night, when we accidenta—"  
"Gee. NOTHING happened last night."  
"Hmmmm. Fine Dave. Be that way."

**1 minute later  
**I can't decide whether I want an orangey-pink lippy with apple coloured cream blush, or if I want lip sealant, what will keep the entire colour on through the night, and if I want fruit sundae flavoured lippy along with it. I shall ask Dave the Laugh.

**1 minute later  
**On second thought. No. I don't think his new girlfriend type person would like that.

**2 minutes later  
**But I really do need a second opinion.  
**1 minute later  
**Asking Dave the Laugh. Because he is my mate, and I love him.  
**1 minute later  
**Love him?  
**30 seconds later  
**No I don't love him. Well I do, in a matey way. Not in any other way, because I am the almost girlfriend on a Luuurve God, a Luuurve God that I need to ring. Oh _merde, _ I forgot he was in a huff with me until just now. How did I get myself back on the rack of love. My almost maybe boyfriend might hate me, and the guy I MIGHT love has a girlfriend. And before I knew it, I was blubbing like a blubbing thing on blub tablets.  
**1 minute later  
**Running, pant, pant. Blubbing and running, is quite hard. Oh Gadzooks, I hope no one follows me.  
**Back home  
**In my room, blubbing my bed, all wrapped up. Everything Is just vair wonderful. Not.  
**1 minute later  
**Great, now I have a loony toddler trying to invade my space with Mr. Fish and me other slimy substances that Libby plays with. Erlack a pongees!  
**2 minutes later  
**All I can hear is Mr. Fish saying "Maybe it's beCOD I'm a Londoner. It is squirming about everywhere like it is alive. Great, someone is at the door. Pray God it's not Uncle Eddie.  
**1 minute later  
**It is. Why. What did I ever do to you Lord Sandra?  
**2 minutes later  
** "Gee! We're going out for Pizza. Do you want to come with?" Mutti said from my door.  
"Of COURSE I do Mutti, because I love to spend time with you and that Baldy thing I call my uncle."  
"Stop being so bloody cheeky. Come on Libby."

**5 minutes later  
**After much arguing the Swiss Family Mad has finally left, I can hear them racing down the street in the clown car at about 5 miles per hour. If even that.  
**1 minute later  
**I wonder what I have done to make my life so vair crap. There is only 2 days left of the summer hols, my matey type mate person that I might love has a girlfriend. And I've said this 500 times, and I will say it 499 times more, I am almost the girlfriend of a Luuurve God, who has got the hump with me. Why me, Baby G? Why me.  
**Still questioning Baby G.  
**Someone is at the door. I know it's not my mates because they would phone first. I hate whoever it is, for making me get out of my snuggly buggly bed of pain and sadness.  
"Whoever it is, I am vair vair grumpy and cannot be bothered to talk." And that is when I heard the words  
"What in the name of PANT'S are you going on about Kittykat,"  
"Dave. What are you doing here?" And that is when he snogged me.  
**2 minutes later  
**We have moved to the couch! He is doing that nip libbling thing. Yummy scrumboes! Oh he is so vair vair good at snogging. Now he's doing that neck nuzzling thing. _Merde. _I am turning all jelliod knickers. 

**1 minute later  
** "Now Kittykat, I have given you the Dave the Laugh stamp. Wear it proudly. Tatty bye." He's left! You can't just make me turn into jelliod girl and run off! And what does he mean by Dave the Laugh stamp? Hmm…. Oh well. I guess I'll just ask him later. Oh bugger. I have let my cheeky red bottom return, haven't I? I wonder if Emma knows that Dave and I have been being Cheeky little minxes. Probably not. Poor Emma, But then again, I am just as guilty, because I have Masimo. Buggering buggeration. How I have I got into this mess again.

**1 minute later  
**I might take a trip to the tarts wardrobe to see if my hair has been ruffled by the vair good snogging.

**2 minutes later  
**Oh Gadzooks and PANTS Dave has given me a love bite. Dear gott in himmel. Why must I have been marked. Must cover it, must find concealer. Oh poo. It is far to gigantibus and dark to be covered by my foundation. I need to find Mutti's.  
**3 minutes later  
**I have found Mutti's foundation. But it seems that Angus has gotten hungry, because he has EATEN IT! I guess I will just have to go off to Boots. With the tenner I found whilst invading my Mutti's personal items.  
**1 minute later  
**Stupid blunder boys are giving me cat calls. What makes the think they have the right to do that?  
**1 minute later  
**Now the elderly are giving me dirty looks. Dave must die. Once I get this concealer on my love bite. I will give him one of his own. Speak of the laugh. I am _ignorez-vousing _him.  
"Hey Sexkitty."  
"Kittykat? Are you ignoring me?" And that is when I pushed him into the bush, and gave him a love bite. On the front of his neck, for all to see.  
"You, and I, I have, what?" Dave is speechless! HA! Teaches you, you cheeky thing.

**Walking home from Boots  
**Ho hum pigs bum. I may have a gigantibus love bite, but so has Dave the so-called laugh.  
**Back home  
**Oh poo. The Swiss Family Mad is home. This means I must creep up the stairs like a creepy things a creep tablets. Quiet as a mouse. Mousey girl!  
"Gee? Is that you?"  
"No Vati, it is a burglar. "  
"Don't be so bloody cheeky."  
**2 minutes later  
**Putting concealer on a love bite is much harder that it looks. I still have a mark where the love bite is. Double poo and _ordure_.  
**1 minute later  
** Made a mixture of talcum powder and water, and I am going to rub it onto my neck and cover it in foundation. See how vair smart I am in a crisis time like this?  
**2 minutes later  
** I have a lump from the goo I put on. But who cares, I am love bite free and Dave the Tart is not. I wonder how I got myself into this mess again. First it was with Robbie, the ex- Sex God. I had used Dave as a red herring. Then I had cheated on Robbie with Dave. Then Dave and I properly went out, but not for long. Then, Masimo came about, and I have cheated on him with Dave again. Bugger. How is it possible for one girl to have a red bottom so large. That's right, it isn't. I am just one cheeky minx, with a hint of Kittykat, and Sexkitty in my blood. Where I get it from, I am not sure. Not from my transvestite Vati, or my prozzie Mutti. That is for sure. Maybe I have gained it. Or maybe it is just an allusion because I am so much better looking then Mutti and Vati. Also much better looking than Fringey. I wonder how it is possible to get fringe soooo vair vair large.****

****


	2. Return of The Snogs?

**A/N: So, I know I haven't updated, I like to say it's because I'm busy, but really I've just been too lazy. But, here it is. Enjoy! **

**Xoxo, Liv **

**August 3, 7:00 am**

Up before the sunrise. Why Lord Sandra, what have I done to get the harsh punishment of Stalag 14.

**10 minutes later**

Gadzooks! I have bags the size of vati's bum under my eyes! But on the brightside, the lovebite has faded. But I must find my concealer.

**2 minutes later**

Now I look like a Sexkitty of the first water. I think I look marvelous if I do say so myself. And I do say so, because I am me.

**Walking to Jazzy Spazzy's.**

It is vair nippy noodles outside. Whoever thought that our school uni's should be skirts must thought that they would have larks watching us freeze.

**At Jas's House**

Jas is sitting on her wall reading. I bet it's about voles.

"Hey Jazzy Spazzy!" I said.

**30 Seconds later**

Oh Hahaha! She fell of the wall because I scared her! What comedy!

"Georgia! Don't do that!"

"Do what?" Oh fabby. It's Dave the Love Bite Giver… er.

"Scare me like that! YOU COULD HAVE INJURED ME!"

"It's okay Jas, you know I still lurrrveee you."

"Shut up."

"Well, I'm off…" Dave said.

"You're mad if you think you're going to walk away without explaining some things to me."

"No You're mad"

"NO you're mad"

"No YOU'RE mad"

"Stop! I'm not doing this."

"Yes you are."

"No, I'm not."

"YES, you are."

"NO I'm not."

"Blimey you two, just go for a walk!" Miss. Prissy Knickers said.

"Fine." I said.

**Walking to school with Dave**

"Dave, why do you give me lovebites if your with Emma."

"Because, Kittykat, I can't resist the call of the horn."

"But, why are you with her. If you like snogging me, why would you stay with her."

"Gee…" Oh Gadzooks. Now he is becoming Dave the Unlaugh. I don't know what to say to that. So I guess I'll just nod my head.

**20 seconds later**

Still nodding like billo. He probably thinks I'm mad. But when your family drives a robin reliant car, your 4 year old sister's laugh sounds like a mad scientist, and your mutti is practically a prostitute, well I of course I'm mad!

"Gee, are you okay? You've been nodding for a while. I mean I know I give you the horn…" He said.

"Dave… whatever happened to the lovebite?"

"Well… erm, actually, well, it's… covered."

"With what?"

"You know…"

"No, Dave. I don't think I do know."

"Panstick."

"Blimey. Next thing you know you'll be wearing skirts and lippy too! Hahahah."

"Kittykat, I couldn't let Emma see it. I still havent broken things off with her."

"I know, and Masimo and I are better then ever… ish."

"You still haven't talked to the Handbag Horse?"

"No." I said and then I started blubbing. Like a two blubbing things.

"Gee, it's okay. Lets go to the park. We can sit. I'll even let you cry on Jack the Biscuits shoulder."

"Thanks –sniffle- Dave, you're –sniffle- the best mate a girl –sniffle- could have."

"I know." He said, but he looked really sad.

**30 minutes later**

I bet I look like a mouse from all that crying. People will call me mouse lady.

"Dave, do you mind if we go back to my house so I can change. It doesn't look like I'm going to school."

"Okay."

**At my house**

What should I wear. I think I will wear pink kitten heels with a pair of distressed denim skinny jeans, and a yellow off the shoulder top. I am going to wear my hair in a messy bun. But I can't decide if I want natural makeup or glamorous makeup.

**2 minutes later**

I think I'll go natural. So just a bit of pink lippy for color, foundation, concealer, 10 coats of mascara, eyeliner, and a bit of beige eyeshadow to dull out the red.

**1 minute later**

I think I look vair sophis.

**5 minutes later**

"Okay, lets go." Dave is just staring at me like a staring thing on staring tablets. "Dave, why are you staring at me like a staring thing on staring tablets."

"Well Sexkitty, I can't tell you, but I can show you." And then he snogged me.


	3. Revenge of Wet Lindsay?

**10 minutes later**

It has to be said, Dave is a fabity fab snogger. He is a tip top snogger. Better then Masimo!

**2 minutes**

Poo. I think I may have just cheated on the Italian Stallion. Again.

**2 seconds later**

Why can't my red bottom just stop showing it self. I must grab the horns of the wotsit and eschew Dave with a firm hand. Even if he is a tip top snogger. NO! Dave the sodding Laugh is just a mate. A matey type mate person, who I sometimes snog. But that is it! I am not going to say his name.

**2 minutes later**

I will just forget about you know who.

**2 seconds later**

You don't know who, do you? It starts with D and ends in ave the Laugh. Oh bugger. Why cant Dave just keep his sodding nose out of my sodding buisness.

**20 Minutes later**

The Elderly Mad are out and took Libby with them. I am lonely as a clud.

**2 minutes later**

All aloney on my owney. Still not thinking about you know who. But instead, thinking about how I am going to do my hair when I show up to win Masimo back.

**5 minutes later**

I am going to wear it very bouncey, and my makeup is going to reek of sexkittyosity. Because that is what I am. A Sex Kitty. Even Dave thinks so.

**2 minutes later**

Bugger. I have thought about the unmentionable again.

**The Next Day**

Walking to school with Jas. She is _ignorez-vous_ing me for not going to school.

**Assembly**

"Rosie, I think Slim's chins are less jelloid then usual."

"We must get her angry. I will just put on my horns and do mad dancing until she notices."

"Okay."

**1 minute later**

Slim's chins are each doing a dance of their own! Fabby! They look like they are all moving in different directions.

**2 minutes later**

Rosie is still mad dancing.

"Rosemary Mees! I though I told you to cut it out, in our times if girls did such things we would be beheaded, and thrown to the wolves, -blah, blah,- have our heads cut off! –Blah, blah,- Sometimes even hung!" Rave on Slim. Rave on. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if Slim a belly dancer.

**2 minutes later**

. Erlack! I must get those images of Slim belly dancing out of my head! I am an impressionable child.

**French**

Sitting in French with Rosie. Ms. Slack's mustache is bristling. It is vair vair gross. I bet she is just happy because we have p.e. today. I bet she will make up play indoor hockey.

**P.E.**

I lied. She is making us play OUTDOOR hockey. Joy unbounded. But I have just heard vair good news. There is a Stiff Dylan's gig at the Buddha Club this weekend so I get to see the Luuurve God.

**Leaving School**

BUGGER! There is Masimo, waiting at the school gates! Buggering buggeration on high.

"Jas, because you are my bestest pal of all time, and you are a great mate, and such, will you guard me from Hawkeye so I can make myself look fabbity fab?"

**Hiding behind Jas**

Becoming a Sex Kitty is harder then it looks. But I think I look like fabulosity personified. Oooooh he has seen me! He is looking at me all weird like. Oh poo. Double poo. Infact, it is _merde_ with poo and _oeuvdre. _

**Walking home**

Wet Lindsay got on his scooter, and he snogged her. Now I am all aloney on my owney. Lonely as a clud. But I am not crying. I am not smiling, I am vair emotionless. I am like an emotional wotsit. But like an emotional wotsit that feels nothing. All I want is to go tell Dave. Because he would understand. He is a vair good mate.

"Oy! Sex Kitty! Watch the nungas! You could poke an eye out with them."

I have bumped into Dave. He is with Emma… I started blubbing uncontrollably and ran away. Walking away from them, I heard him say "Oy, what's wrong with her."

**At home**

Even I don't know what is wrong with me. I half expected him to be a tip top mate and ask what was wrong. But because his _girlfriend_ Emma, who is his _girlfriend_, he couldn't be a good mate? I cannot believe that Masimo SNOGGED Wet Lindsay. That is literally disgusting personified.

**2 minutes later**

I bet her and Whelk Boy use similar techniques. They are both vair slimey and wet.

**2 seconds later**

My life is a facsimile of a sham. Maybe I should call Rosie and tell her. Seeing as she was too busy snogging Sven to notice Masimo, or to see me walk away.

**1 hour later**

Lying in my bed blubbing like a blubbing thing on blub tablets. I am back on the Rack of Luuurve, and I am lying in my bed of pain.

**2 minutes later**

Someone is knocking on the door! Maybe its Dave!

**l2 minutes later**

It was just Mr. Next Door telling me to "KEEP YOUR BLOODY CAT AWAY FROM MY BLOODY GARDEN! THEY HAVE DEMOLISHED MY PETUNIAS!" Rave on Mr. Next Door, rave on.

**30 minutes later**

There is another knock.

"I'm sorry if Angus has ruined your petunias. It's just that sometime he hears the call of the wild and cannot contain himself."

"Oo-er Kittykat."

"Oh, hello Dave." I must girdy loins. I am eschewing him with a firm hand because he was a bad mate and didn't help me in my time of derperadoes.

"Oh, c'mon SexKitty don't be mad."

"I'm not mad…"

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"YES, you are."

"NO, I'm not."

"Yes, YOU ARE."

"No—" But before I could finish Dave snogged me. Blimey! Twice in two days. I really am a Sex Kitty of first water.

**45 minutes later**

Cor, and also blimey. It was nip libbling extraordinaire. It was fabby. He even did neck nuzzling, and a bit of number 7! But what about Emma. His _Girlfriend._

"Dave, what about Emma. Your _GIRLFRIEND._"

"Oh, I ended things with her. That's why I didn't help you in your time of sheer desperadoes."

"Oy. I see."

"Are you still going out with the handbag horse?" He asked. Which made me blub like a blubbing thing. Two blubbing things.

**Still blubbing**

I was just blubbing away on his shirt, when Uncle Eddy walked in wearing nothing but a feather codpiece. He had Libby trailing behind him wearing a swimming costume and a feather boa. Dead _Gott _in _Himmel._ This house is crazy.

"PANTS, Kittykat. I knew you were bonkers, but I didn't know the rest of your family was."

"Oy, Georgia. Is that you're boyfriend?" Uncle Egghead said. I will dismember him.

"No—"

"Yes." Dave said cutting me off. He is such a redbottomed minx.

"Hm. Keep it clean." Eddy said.

"Dave, are we going out? We are both single. And I am on the rack of luuurve." " I dunno Kittykat. Will you be my official snogging partner?"

"Sure Dave. I'll be your official snogging partner.''

"Fabbo Gee." He said. And we snogged.

**Assembly**

"It was FAB Jas, it was totally fab. We snogged, and he asked me to be his official snogging partner. I can't believe I didn't realize how much I liked him before."

"Neither can we. He was in love with you, and you were in love with him. You were just to daft and think to notice it."

"Yeah, erm, we, err, knew that, for, erm, like, ever, or something." Dither on Ellen. Dither on.

"Thanks for making that clear Ellen."

"You're welcome, or something?" Ohhh she is such a div.

**Home**

In my Bed of Luuurve. I am all luurved up. Me and Dave were laying on my bed having a bit of number 8. It was marvy. I think I do love him. Like really love him.


	4. Sei una cagna troia?

**A/N: Here's chapter four! Enjoy mon petit pals **

**Friday August 10**

Today is the Stiff Dylan's gig. I don't know how I feel. I know Masimo will be there with octopussy girl. But I have Dave. Who is a vair, vair good boyfriend. But first I must get through another day at Stalag 14. Erlack, a whole day of double German. Joy unbounded.

**Assembly**

Slim is vair jelloid today. It is fabby. All 20 of her chins are doing a jig on the end of her face. We are singing PANTS of God. It Is full of hilariosity.

**1 minute later**

Hawkeye heard us singing. I thought she was going to go balisticimus.

**2 minutes later**

I wonder what I should do to my hair tonight.

"Jas, how are you doing your hair tonight?"

"I'm going to go natural I think. Tom prefers me that way."

"Good for Hunky. But how should I do my hair?" She is vair dim.

**In R.E**

Oh what larks! Ms. Wilson is wearing a neon green potato sack, and green and blue plaid knee high socks. But the most fabby part of it, was when Herr Kamyer walked in she turned redder than a tomato! She was dithering on. "Oh, erm, hi Herr Kamyer. Ermm, how er, are you?" I am surprised her head didn't fall off.

"She sure is dithery today, don't you think Rosie?" I asked.

"Not as bad as Ellen after Declan asked her out." Good point well made.

**3 minutes later**

Same bat time, same bat place. We are learning about Gods shoes or something. I don't know. I am too nervy to pay attention. I only have 4 hours to glamify. I will paint my nails in German, and apply my base coat of makeup in maths.

**Break**

We are all sitting on the fives court. We are creating a new step to the Viking Disco Inferno Dance. Before you fall to your knees with a cry to Thor, you add a bit of ad hoc paddling. It is marvy.

**German**

Painting my nails a fabby bubblegum pink colour. I think this was a good class. Apart from Herr's tartan socks, and sock suspenders. It was vair gross. I could see his pale ginger legs. Erlack.

**Walking home**

I have my makeup done and my nails, and I am ready to go home and finish hair, and put on the top coat of makeup. I wonder if Dave is going to be here to walk me home.

**1 minute later**

Ohmygodohmygodohmygiddygod! Dave is here. But so is Masimo. They were at the gates talking. Dave looked vair angry, and Masimo looked vair confused. I have said it once, and I will say it again, why doesn't everyone speak english?

**2 minutes later**

I finally girded my loins and walked over to them. Dave put his arm around me, and Masimo looked vair angry at that.

"_Cara_, I thought you said you and Dave were just mates."

"We were, until you went off with WET LINDSAY."

"What do you mean, _Bellisima_."

"I saw you too, er, snoggio."

"C'mon Kittykat. Let's get you home." Dave said, giving me a peck on the cheek, before glaring at Masimo and walking off with me

**2 minutes later**

"Georgia, you aren't using me as a red herring again, are you?"

"No, Dave of course not."

"Georgia… I'm not playing."

"And neither am i! Now don't sit down on your numpty seat, and come inside with me. I have to get ready for the gig tonight."

"Fine I wont sit." But I think he did.

**In my room**

"Dave, do you think I should wear my, err, Mutti's leather skirt, or her Chanel stillettos? I can only take one."

"Oo-er Sex Kitty. Deffo the leather skirt."

"Okay, I must dasharoo whilst I can." Mutti probably has hidden it. So I must search.

**1 minute later**

Found it. I am going to wear a purple crop top that shows a bit of my midriff, and I am going to wear this vair fabby silver strappy heels. They are 7 centimeters.

"Dave, how do I look?"

"Ooh Kittykat. It took you long enough, but you look like a Sex Kitty."

"I am almost done, just makeup is left."

**30 minutes later**

I have finished applying makeup. I think Dave was going to have a nervy b from boredom. But anywho. I am wearing think eyeliner that makes my eyelids look heavy, and boy entrancers. Even after last time I had to pretend to like Rolf Harris. I will risk it, I want to look like sexkitty personified. I have a nude pink lippy, and a bit of bronzer. I think I look vair exotic. That is what I like to think.

**Walking to the clocktower to meet the gang**

Dave and I are walking hand and hand. We look like a couple. Because we are. It is nice to not have to pretend that I don't like Dave. Because I do. And he likes me. It is marvy. Every few minutes he'd stop and give me a little peck. It was vair sweet. And sometimes we'd pass Tosser Thompson, or MGB (Mark Big Gob) and they'd yell something vair dim like "OY MATE! GET IN THERE!" Even though they are not mates. But that is the mystery that is the boy kind.

"Kittykat, you look very gorgey tonight."

"Oooh, thanks Dave." I said. Dave had dashed off while I was getting ready to change. He was wearing a black leather jacket and a v-neck white t-shirt. He looked v. v. yummy scrumboes. He also was wearing jeans. But he wasn't sagging them like Oscar the junior blunderboy, or Mark Big Gob. I cannot believe I let him touch my nungas.

"Oh you mingers! Come on! We have a gig to get to!"

"Oh jah! Groove on you groovy groovster! Oh jah!"

**1 minute later**

Sven has Dave on his back and his is running around and screaming something in not English. It is strange. We have finally gotten to the club. It is rocking. Ellen has already dithered over to find Declan. It is sooo v. sad. But as soon as I walked in, I saw Masimo. So I leaned over to Dave and gave him a quick snog. I thought Masimo was going to explode. Or scream dirty words in Italian, but before he could, Wet Lindsay, being the slimy girl she is, walked up and started to give his a number 6! She is the tart here. Not me. But I guess, live and let live.

"Ellen, stop dithering, he might end up exploding."

"Errm, what do you mean? I'm not er, dithering?"

"Stop saying er, and erm, or um."

"Okay, well s'laters then Georgia." Gadzooks! I haven't heard her say a normal sentence in zonks!

"Good job Ellen." I said and walked over to do some ad hoc twisting with Dave. He is a vair good dance. And he looks quite good in his leather jacket.

"Dave, promise me you will never wear lederhosen pants." I said to Dave.

"Erlack, Kittykat never. Leather shoes, and jackets, but never pants."

"Okay."

**1 hour later**

Masimo has finished singing and he looks like he was going to come over here. Ohmygiddygod. He is coming over here! Fluffy hair, fixy lippy. Wait, why would I do that? Dave thinks I look good. So why should I care what Masimo the Handbag Horse thinks?

"_sei__una cagna__troia." _He said as he passed by. I could hear his elbow snickering. Oh wait, it was just Lindsay attached to his elbow.

"Nicolson, if you weren't such a tart, things like these wouldn't happen." Oh hahaha! How I laughed. Not.

"C'mon Gee, we can go to my house. My olds would love to meet you."

"Are you sure? I don't look like a tart?"

"No of course not Kittykat. You look beautiful." Aww, he is sooo honest. That is why I love him.

"Aww Dave, you are sooo honest. That is why I love you."

"I love you too Georgia." He said suddenly being very Dave the Unlaughish. But I must not think of that. I snuggled into his arm, and we walked out. I never realized how fit he was before. But he has long brown hair, that looks vair good gelled up, hazel eyes, that crinkle when he smiles, and a great pair of lips, and a vair nice smile. He's pretty well built but not too much, and he has grown a vair lot. He is taller than me in my 7 centimeter heels. I shall ask him how tall he is.

"Dave, how tall are you?"

"I am 1.85 meters. Why?"

"Just curious because I am 1.62 meters."

"Gee, you aren't worried that you're too short? Are you?"

"No, just wondering, because you are vair tall."

"Ah, well, that is one of the perks of being Jack the Biscut."

**At Daves house**

His is normal. He is not. I bet his family is like Norma Normals family. Quiet and normal. I bet his Mutti and Vati knock before they enter. Like GOOD parents should. Not like my parents. Who walk in uninvited like crap parents.

"Mutti! Vati! I am home! I know you missed me but…"

"Davey! I missed you!" A little girl about 3 walked up and grabbed on to Dave's leg. Awww.

"Hi Ali. Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I heard you, and I haaaad to see you. Because I LOBE you!"

"Aww, Dave, she's your biggest fan. Next to the titches of course." I said.

"Oh Ali, this is Georgia. My girlfriend." She unclung from Dave's leg and came up to me and looked up at me, and crossed her eyes.

"She's preeeetty." She said

"I know, isn't she gorgey. Now where is mum and dad?" Awwwwwww. I luuurve their family.

"Watching the tele."

**3 minutes later**

Dave's family is not normal. He has a crazy older sister named Leah, and a fit looking older brother named Matt. His Mutti and Vati were fawning over me. I mean I know I'm fabulosity personified…. But, this was too far. Leah wouldn't shut up about how FAB my shirt was. And how MARVY my skirt was. She wanted to just EAT ME UP. That's how much she vair loves me.

"Dave, this is too vair much."

"I know but they couldn't wait to meet you."

"Hmm."

"Let's go to my room."

"Oo-er!"

"You cheeky minx."

**30 minutes later**

I have said it before. I will say it again. Dave is a fabby snogger. Tip top. Better then Masimo. He nip libbled, and neck nuzzled. I am almost positive I have a love bite. But I will wear it with pride! BECAUSE I AM THE GIRLFRIEND OF A LAUGH GOD!

**Saturday August 11**

I am going to call Jas.

"Jas, you will never guess what!"

"Hey Gee, sorry I can't talk , Tom is here, and we just got back from a ramble, and—"

"Jazzy Spazzy, listen! I met Dave's olds last night!"

"Oh, so that's where you disappeared off to last night. Sven was angry that he lost his piggy backer."

"Oy. Well I met his Mutti and Vati. And he has an older sister and brother. His sister was fawning over me. But I think I have finally settled down. Like you and Hunky!"

"Good for you Gee. But I must go."

"Jas."

"Yes?"

"Shut up." I bet she is fiddling her fringe. "Jas?"

"Hmmm."

"What are you doing?"

"Shutting up." Typico. I put the phone down on her because she is a vair bad pal.

**In bed 10:30 pm**

I will just think of Dave. Dave, Dave, Dave. I luuurve him. He is such a good boyfriend. Fit too. I wonder what our wedding will be like.

"GINGEY! LOOK WHAT I HAVE! LOOK! GINGER!"

Libby has Mr. Fish. Joy unbounded. I will be bound to listen to 'MAYBE IT'S BE**COD** I'M A LONDONER' All day now.

**2 minutes later**

God, Libby's botty is vair nippy noodles. It's like an icebox. She has mr. potato head, and mr. fish. They are all squirming around. Erlack. She is also vair pingy pongoes. What does Mutti do to her?

**1 minute later**

Oh, that's right. NOTHING! Libby has probably been wearing the same nappy for yonks.

**A/N: Oh btw, In Italian Masimo said "you are a slutty bitch." He is soo vair mean, isn't he?**


	5. One for All and All for One?

**A/N: Another chapter! Don't forget to review… :) **

**Still in bed**

Why can't Libby be warmer. It is vair uncomfortable.

**Walking to meet Jas**

Why must we get up sooo vair early? I am still not used to getting up every morn. And I am in year 11.

**At Jas's**

When I got there Dave was talking to Jas. I wonder about what?

"Hey Kittykat." Dave said finally noticing me. He came up and gave me a peck on the cheek. THE CHEEK! There is something wrong. Something vair wrong.

"Dave, what's wrong?"

"Nothing Gee. Let's go." He said grabbing my hand. Hmm.

**Assembly**

"Rosie, have you talked to Dave lately?"

"No mon petit pal. Let me get my beard."

**20 seconds later**

She keeps a beard in her rucky. Gadzooks.

"Okay, tell Rosie everything. You can even sit on my knee."

"Errm, Dave has been acting weird. So have you talked to him? Did he act weird?"

"Hahahahaha you FULE! He's worried about what to get you for your birthday." I am not a fule. She is a fule. Of first waters.

"I am not a fule."

"But you are. So do you have anything planned?"

"No, I thought you were going to help me. Do you have any ideas?"

"Hahaha of course!"

"What are they?"

"You'll see…" I am quite scared.

**R.E**

Ms. Wilson is having Herr co-teach a class! IN GERMAN! Vair exciting! I think I may poo myself from excitement! Not literally you fules! Do I have to explain everything to you?

"Hello girls. Today ve will get a _sehr_ _gut_ lesson from me and ze amazing Ms. Vilson!" Oh no. He is still excited from the soap on a rope incident. Erlack!

He has been talking about something pointless. I passed a note to Rosie:

_ Dear Ro-Ro,_

_Do you think they have rummache unter de taille, yet? _

_ Xxx Gee the Laugh_

I am so full of hilariosity. She wrote back:

_Dear Gee,_

_Don't call yourself that. And I know for a fact, they have. Herr couldn't keep his tartan socks to himself after the soap on a rope accident_

_ Xx Ro-Ro the Viking Bride_

Erlack! I am scarred. Ro-Ro knows for a fact? How? I looked over at Jas to ask her, but her eyes were focused on the lesson. She is such a teacher's botty kisser. I bet that is why Tom luurves her. Because they are tip top at botty kissing. Sometimes I wonder how Dave can handle Tom. They are vair different.

**Home time**

Dave came to walk me home from school. He is acting much more Laughish. He came up and gave me a bit of number 6 (oo-er!)

"Oo-er you cheeky cat." I said

"You know you love it Kittykat."

"I do."

"Oy laydeeez me and my woman are off. Tatty bye!"

**2 minutes later**

"Georgia, I have some news." Oh buggering buggeration on high. He is probably still miz about what to get for me.

"Dave, if you are still miz about what to get me for my birthday, you just had to ask." Oo-er!

"No, no, that's not it. My parents are getting divorced. And I'm moving. To Hamburger-a-gogo land."

"Hahahahaha, Oh Dave, you crack me up."

"Georgia…" Oh no. He is serious. As a serious thing. On serious tablets.

**30 seconds later**

Standing here with my mouth open. I would be tiptop at being a goldfish. I wonder if there are people who are professional starers… OH SHUT UP BRAIN!

"Georgia? Are you okay?"

"Have you seen the footie scores this arvie?" Oh dear _gott _I am going crazy.

**Running home and Blubbing**

As soon as I said something about footie things went bad. Dave got vair angry. He said "You don't even care Georgia, all you care about is yourself!" And that is why I started blubbing, and then I ran. Very fast. He called after me a few times.

**Home**

Sitting in my bed of aggers and pain. In the cake shop of love. I am also eating a Strawberry Mivvy.

**2 minutes later**

Dave has called twice,

**3 minutes later**

4 times

**30 minutes later**

8 times. I think Vati is going to explode. So I answered

"Hello, House of Pain and Aggers, Georgia speaking. Whatever you have to say make it quick. I may have wasted 2 pence."

"Georgia it's Dave, please don't be mad."

"Me? Mad? No, I am to full of unselfishosity to be mad."

"You're mad."

**2 minutes later**

So the nub and gist of things are that Dave is vair sorry and is going to try and convince his Mutti to stay here with his Dad, or Rollo or Dec. I think we need an emergency Ace Gang Meeting.

**Calling Rosie**

"Rosie, emergency Ace Gang meeting. Call Jools, Mabs, Ellen, Jas, and Hons. This is major."

"Okay mon petit nincompoop. Pip pip."

**Looking in the mirror**

Oh Lord Sandra. My nose is swollen to the size of a Hamburger-a-gogo persons botty. And my eyes are like little mousey eyes. But not beady.

**20 minutes later**

Even in my time of sheer desperadoes I manage to look like a Sex Kitty. I am wearing jeans that manage to take away the attention from my nose, and an oversized white three quarter length tee shirt. I look fabby.

**At the park**

Georgia, I was busy with Rollo, and you called this meeting. So SPILL!" Jools yelled.

"Dave's moving… To hamburger-a-gogo land. Soon." I said. Oh bugger it. I must cry.

"Oh GeeGee." And they attacked me. Jas even offered me a midget gem. And Rosie didn't put on her beard. Awww

**Sitting under a tree, Crying with the gang**

They were in a spontaneous dance mood. Typical. They didn't even care about their so called bestie.

"You guys don't even care about your so called bestie." I am sooooo vair sad.

**2 minutes later**

Hurrah. They finally noticed how vair sad I was. But now I am up shee cree without a padd because the lads are here. But not Dave. But ROBBIE is. The EX SEX GOD. The one I am eschewing with a firm hand.

**2 minutes later**

They left me to go snog their boyfriends. Fab friends I have.

**½ second later**

Down red bottom down! Ohh nooo. Here comes Robbie. And Dave. At the same time. To see me. Oh gadzooks. Why must I be so irresistible?

**2 minutes later**

Sitting here. Watching Dave and Robbie talk. This is v. v. awkward. I am just lurking here. Like a lurking lurker waiting to pop up on the tip of your nose. Dave grabbed my waist and pulled me into him. I felt vair weird sitting here with my ex- sex god, and ex- red herring/ present boyfriend. Robbie looked at me weird. STOP LOOKING AT ME! What am I, a staring thing…?

"So Gee, how've you been?" Robbie asked.

"Erm, I've been splendid, great, fantastic, er, yeah." I don't even make sense.

"Oh, that's… good?"

"Yeah, as good as a good thing. Two good things even!" They are both staring at me weird. Robbie looks jealous, and Dave looks miz. Oh bugger it.

"Well, I should get going. I promised Lindsay I'd take her to dinner. S'laters." He is going out with Wet Lindsay again? She is so slimy. As soon as he turned around, I looked up and gave Dave a snog. I SNOGGED DAVE THE LAUGH! ME! Not him! Meeeee!

**20 seconds later**

"Err, Georgia, I left my sunglasses here, and your foot is on them…" Oh this is awkward.

"Oh, er, sorry Robbie." I said moving my foot.

**20 minutes later**

Snogging Dave, when octopussy girl came up with ADM trailing behind her like a dim first former would.

"Eh, Georgia, you are such a tart. Can't you keep your hands to one boy?" I stared at her forehead like a staring thing on stare tablets. She walked away with her head down holding her forehead.

"Oy Kittykat, how did you get her to walk away like that without saying anything?"

"Everytime me and the gang see her, we stare at her forehead." Oh gazooks, I make myself laugh. "Dave, I'm going to miss you when you leave…" I said. Oh no. So typico of me to begin tearing up.

"Don't cry Sex Kitty, you'll ruin your makeup."

"Dave… "

"Oh Georgia. Will we ever be free?" And that's when I began crying. Lindsay came up, laughing at me. Oh shut your sodding mouth octopus girl.

"Do you have a problem?" Dave said to Lindsay. Ohmygiddygodspyjamas. Will there be a fisticuffs at dawn? Please Sandra, let Dave give Lindsay a black eye, even though it is wrong for a guy to hit a girl. But WL doesn't count, and neither does ADM. They are more like… octopuses.

**Back home**

After Lindsay left, Dave gave me a peck and said, 'I must be off, things to do, old people to scare. S'laters.' Boys are a bloody mystery.

**Assembly**

Rave on Slim, rave on. I said to the Gang:

"I am bloody exhausted from listening to Slim ramble. I am surprised her chins didn't fall off."

"You're just lucky that she didn't spit on your face. Poor P. Green didn't see it coming." Jools said.

"Good point, well made."

**French**

I actually turned in my coursework today. I thought Madame Slack was going to have a ditherspaz to end all ditherspazes. Either that or a complete nervy b. She was so shocked she yelled

"WHO DID YOU CHEAT OFF NOW, NICOLSON?" I responded quite politely, even though she offended me.

"No one Madame, I worked long and hard on my work."

"Don't be so bloody cheeky." Que c'est le point.

**German**

We are talking about the Koch's today.

"Herr, when the Koch's go out, do they like to do a bit of ad hoc dancing? Or is that only the little Koch's who dance?" I gave it my all comedywise. The gang was laughing so hard I thought they were going to split their pants. Even Jas was laughing. And she luurves to kiss Herr's botty.

**1 second later**

Erlack! I bet it is pale and has ginger hairs. Erlack a pongoes.

**Home**

"Georgia? Is that you darling?"

"Yes, Mutti, it is me, your gorgeous, beautiful, daughter."

" A boy stopped by. He said to tell you that he has talked to his Mum about Hamburger-a-gogo land. And she said she would like you to go with for a week. What exactly is Hamburger-a-gogo land?"

"Dave stopped round?"

"Ah yes, the fit one with the brown hair."

"Erlack Mutti. He is hundreds of years younger. I don't think he would fancy an older woman."

"Stop being so bloody cheeky. What is Hamburger-a-gogo land?"

"BLODDY CHINKY!" Bibbs screamed. Dear Gott. She is wearing her welligogs and is covered in goo.

"It is America. Where my official snogging partner is moving. Forever."

"And he wants you to go with?"

"I suppose."

"Do you want to go?"

"Well… yes."

"I'll talk to your Dad. You've been… less annoying lately."

"So…. I can go?"

"I don't see why not." Bloody hell. Where is my Mutti?

**Phoning Jas**

"Jas. I have the bestest news ever!"

"What?"

"Don't say what like that."

"Like what?"

"Like that!" This could go on forever. "Anyway. My Mutti says I can go to Hamburger-a-gogo land! FOR A WEEK! With Dave! Isn't that the bestiest thing you've heard! She takes top Mutti, Mumwise." I can hear Jas sucking on something. Probably her fringe. "Jas, what are you doing?"

"Not saying what." Ohhhh she is so bloody annoying.

**At the park**

Telling the girls about my hamburger-a-gogo news.

"What about one for all and all for one fandango?" Jools asked. Typico.

**A/N: was it good? Was it bad? Review please!**


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